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This is it, folks; the most wonderful time of the year! Everyone is cheerful, people become most generous this time of year, and nothing can cloud such a happy time! Except the one thing we don’t expect… the death of a loved one.????
Thanksgiving this year came and went without a hitch and the feelings of happiness washed over us as we eagerly prepared for the next part of the year; Christmas time! The days to December grew closer and so our anticipation heightened. We all began making plans for the holidays and fantasized about what we hoped for in the New Year. Then, Friday, November 30, 2018 came and just as the evening approached, we received a call that my grandmother had passed away.
Suddenly, our world became clouded and the happiness dulled. So many questions filled our minds, yet no one asked them. We were speechless. The next couple of days were a blur and we kept on with our schedules and routines to help keep our minds busy and not completely register that a piece of our heart was now missing. How could we think about a funeral?
I wanted to take the time to write this to let others know that although the holiday season is saturated with joy, cheer, and happiness, it’s okay to be sad too. It’s okay to admit that you don’t feel Christmas-y this year and it’s okay if think you don’t want to feel Christmas-y again. It’s okay to grieve during the “most wonderful time of the year.” It’s okay to feel the way you feel.
At this point in my grieving process, I don’t know if I’ve truly come to acceptance yet. I still want to know why even though that’s not something that I’ll ever get an answer to. I feel guilt for living so far away that it took time away from seeing her. I feel sad that my son won’t get to grow up knowing her. I feel incomplete.
This has been weighing heavy on my heart these last few days and I know I’m not the only one feeling less cheerful this year. I want others to know that they are also not alone and I sympathize for what they are feeling. A friend told me that the hole that I feel in my heart won’t go away, but I’ll learn how to live without that piece even though it still hurts… Stay strong.